Love Heroes: Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward

The weather around Los Angeles has become unreliable and more increasingly cold with each passing week. Now is the time for cuddling up by the fireplace with your favorite holiday music (I actually highly suggest NOW That's What I Call Christmas)--or more realistically--hiding under a pile of blankets with your face smooshed towards the television. Either way, the winter season always makes me a little bit drunk with the idea of undying and adorable love. It might be the idea of another warm body keeping you warm purely for survival, or having someone to wear Christmas sweaters with you until March, I love it all.

No famous couple embodies the idea of ever-lasting love mixed with fun and mutual admiration as well as Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward. The two met on the set of The Long Hot Summer (1957) and were married by February of 1958. While it would seem that a quick courting of two Hollywood stars followed by a marriage in Las Vegas would end as quickly as it began, the 50 year commitment between Newman and Woodward would only be severed by Newman's death from cancer in 2008.

What makes the Newmans stand out for me as a perfect snapshot of love is the fact that they had fun together. They made each other laugh, joked around, and of course it would never get old. Would you ever get old of waking up to see Paul Newman next to you?





Beyond being completely infatuated with each other, Newman and Woodward raised three adorable daughters and loved to help others through their "Hole in the Wall Gang Camp" for terminally ill children to play outdoors, and all of the
Newman's Own products that we've grown to love and forget features ole blue eyes on the front.

DEALBREAKERS

Shit you guys, this was supposed to be my way of keeping up with blogging, and I blew it. My bad. Anyway, this week in dealbreakers:

You Treat Me Like Shit And Make Me Think I'm Crazy When I Call You Out On It

I think this one goes hand in hand with the whole Nice Guy thing, which is quite possibly the worst adage of all time. You are not a nice guy; most human beings are assholes. I don't go around calling myself a ~nice girl, even though I'm not particularly horrible to men, because I know I can be an asshole, and I know that I have done some not-so-nice things. Seriously how did the whole Nice Guy thing start? Guys who actually say that about themselves are bigger assholes than the actual assholes for acting like they're so god damn pious. Shut. Up.


ANYWAY, a lot of guys (and girls) do this, and sometimes its so subtle you won't even notice it until much later. I've never dated a guy who straight up treated me like shit, because I think I have enough self respect to not stand for that. I have, however, found myself in situations where I'm left wondering why I'm so miserable after spending time with someone I should be happy with. So then when you finally decide to call him out on something like not wanting to meet your friends ONE TIME for like, 5 minutes he's like, "wait what? You know I have to be somewhere." Then you're like "uh why are you even here then" and he's like, "because you said you wanted to hang out so I came to see YOU. I have to go deliver some drugs now, are you coming or not?" And then you start to feel bad because he did go a whole 3 miles out of his way to come get you. So then you convince yourself that its totally normal to leave 10 of your friends in your apartment because he really needs to get to Santa Monica in the next 20 minutes. You even find yourself defending him to your friends when they give you quizzical and disappointed looks, and forget you ever tried to confront him about anything. I am forever Kelly Kapoor.

Friends don't let friends date Dennis Duffys.

My McCartney

It has just come to my attention that Sir Paul McCartney--and my favorite Beatle--has just been engaged to his long time girlfriend Nancy Shevell. Who really cares what her name is though, right? While it is true that I actually don't want to marry a man so close to the age of 70 (to be fair he does look great for 68), the idea of marrying Paul the Beatle, Paul the Wings member, even Paul the Ram or McCartney was always in my the back of my dreams from when I was a little girl watching A Hard Day's Night every other day when I came home after preschool. He was absolutely perfect!

Adorable haircut


Precious smile


Great Dresser


Clean face (and public persona)


British accent


Wonderful voice


I was such a fan of him and Linda that I didn't even mind he was off the market. I also really appreciated the fact that she was American, giving all of us girls a chance at our respective British crushes. She was also a fantastic photographer.

Whoever this new lady is, she is definitely no Linda, but at least she'll be better than Heather Mills...and hopefully not a gold digger...also hopefully with two legs. What ever happened to that baby they had also?

No more heartache for Paul please!

Friendly Ghosts

 

Not gonna lie, kind of forgot I had a blog. No matter, I'm back with something new to complain about; it's called "Ghosting". And no, I am not referring to the strange sex act that goes by the same name according to Urban Dictionary. I'm referring to the tendency exes have to haunt you like a god damn ghost. You know, when you've finally reached a point in your life where you've learned to live without them, and you either fill with rage or smile fondly at the thought of them, and then they call/facebook/text you out of nowhere? Like when you check your phone for the time and see you have a text, expecting it to be from a friend and then your heart skips a beat when you see it's actually your ex (who you thought had a new girlfriend) asking you to go for a drink? Why is this so common amongst men? Or rather, why is it OKAY when the guy does it, but when the girl does it she is desperate, pathetic, psychotic, creepy, etc? 

Handling these things are an art. It takes much wit, manipulation, and preferably booze.

Here are some tips for handling your friendly ghost, assuming you're already drunk:

1. If you even decide to respond, your first text should be as aloof as possible.

 2. Make sure you mention you're busy doing something really cool. Since he's in a semi-vulnerable situation, he'll do most of the talking in an attempt to egg you on.

3. Say something bitchy early on. Make it clear you're still feeling hostile towards him. Dudes love angry women.

4. Drink more.

5. Say something you instantly regret sending. Explain that you are drunk. This only makes you look cooler anyway.

6. Now you're on a roll, tell him you miss him. Follow up immediately with: "AS A FRIEND THO"

7. He might start to get sentimental at this point. If you're drunk enough, go with it. 

8. If you can get to this point and he is still texting you more than you're texting him, just stop texting him, wait 'til the next day, and text him something related to something you are doing that makes you seem cool. Also, try to start a fight about something so he remembers you're feisty.

9. ABS: Always Be Sassy

 10. If you do agree to get a drink with him DO NOT let him come back to your place after. 

11. Realize that you're still attracted to him, revert back to state of mind you were in several months ago.

 13. Find new love interest ASAP or kill self.

HAPPY HAUNTINGS, FRIENDS. 

DEALBREAKERS

Welcome to the first installment in in my Dealbreakers series! Most people have several established Dealbreakers which determine whether or not they will sleep with, date, or even look at a person. I, on the other hand, like to see how far I can push myself before I feel physically sick and the dry heaving starts. I'd also like to preface this by saying that I wear Jeggings and sometimes just one earring at a time, so like I get that I'm a walking dealbreaker too. Let us begin...

Stupid Facial Hair 

This includes: 

 

Ironic Mustaches

Ok look, it was kind of funny at first, but please stop. Or actually you know what, keep it because that way I'll know you're a tool just by looking at you, and can stay away. Also, I know you only have it so you can make jokes about free mustache rides to girls at bars. Although let's be real, I doubt I'd say say no to Twirls up there, AM I RIGHT?

 

Chin Patches, Flavor Savers and Soul Patches 

 Nope.

 This Shit

 Why.

Long Beards

This one was difficult for me, because I am absolutely Team Beard (and Devendra is so beautiful), but uneccessarily long beards just gross me out. Like are you shampooing that? Because if not I probably don't want it near my face. Why is this a thing? You probably have access to scissors or something to trim it with, and it is really that comfortable? 

Send me some of your dealbreakers!

Let Me Roll It

I think that while it is important to expose the idiotic truth about men in this modern age, I believe that we should also remember that good men truly do exist, and they will never stop surprising you.

While there is something wonderful about finding a man who is handsome (and happens to like you as well), it is even more special when that immediate attraction continues over years and years. I have been lucky to find someone that I continue to get butterflies with when I see him every day, but that is not what keeps us together. Simply put, he is my best friend.

Yes he's got everything I want on the superficial level: adorable face, great jaw line, perfect height, beautiful eyes and hair, makes me laugh, etc. Sure that is great, but more importantly he is just a genuinely good person who helps me understand myself better. Believe me I understand this all sounds so sappy, but something tonight upset me and all he did was say that he was sorry, here for me and that he loved me. I could tell that he really meant it. Now instead of just having this event disappear, I am so glad that it happened just so I could be reminded why I am with him and why I can't ever give him up.

Now onto the truly important stuff to help you all realize that perfect men are out there:
he tried to jump a parking meter to impress me, but instead badly injured himself...thus impressing me more
he changes the words of popular songs to the word "Bailey" or items on the taco bell menu
he now likes olives, tomatoes, dr. pepper, and Wings (the band...he always liked hot wings)
he always wants to make sure I'm happy
he loves my friends

end of story.

Fictional Loves: TV Boyfriends

I have a ton of soul mates. Approximately 20% of them are several of my female friends, and about 80% of them are fictional characters. These are just a few of my TV boyfriends:

Maurice Moss- The IT Crowd

Henry Pollard- Party Down

Bill Haverchuck- Freaks and Geeks

Andy Dwyer- Parks and Recreation

Tom Haverford- Parks and Recreation

Milhouse Van Houten- The Simpsons

Charlie Kelly- It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

 Phil Dunphy-Modern Family

Jim Halpert- The Office

Vince Noir- The Mighty Boosh

Louie - Louie

Roy Trenneman- The IT Crowd

Andy Botwin- Weeds

Harvey Kinkle- Sabrina, The Teenage Witch

In conclusion, if you are like any of the dreamboats listed above, get at me. 

Dumped, Indeed

Since an appropriate amount of time has passed since Bailey's beautiful post about her grandfather, I think it is time for me to make my comeback. My comeback, that is, as the angry man hater of the two of us. I don't really hate men--in fact, I love them, which is kind of the problem. I like some men so much that I am completely unaware of the fact that they are actually really shitty. I love having to chase after guys that are completely unavailable and total assholes. I know I'm not alone in this, either; I think this is the biggest problem some girls have. We like the chase, and we really like a challenge, because if we finally conquer it we feel really accomplished. Most of us will never do this, but that is what keeps us coming back for more, because if it was something that easy to accomplish, then what's the point? The worst part for me is that I am completely aware of it. I stuck around in a relationship that was so clearly dysfunctional from pretty early on. I loved it though because he was stubborn, aloof, and elusive, which made all the times he made a lot of effort on me that much more special. One time he came all the way to my apartment (2.5 miles away) to pick me up and egg a car that had parked me in. It was the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me (apparently I have the same standards for romance as a 12 year old girl) So here is what I've decided: starting in 2011 I am no longer settling. I'm 21 years old and there is absolutely no reason for me to be settling yet. Even Liz Lemon refused to settle for the british Wesley Snipes, and look where that led her: Matt Damon, doorman to the sky.

Say no to man babies and mediocrity, ladies.