Dear All Man Children/Babies

Dude, I get it. You're in your 20s and seeing some chick, and you just realized she probably wants to get married and have your babies or some shit. Doesn't she know you're 20 something and not looking for a commitment? You have to focus on your career and like, going to the gym or whatever so you have no time for a girlfriend. You do have time to "date her" and have sex with her every other night, though. You should probably just assume you're correct and send this girl a text ASAP telling her you can't see her anymore before clearing up any confusion about her expectations. Or better yet, how about an email, cause if you text her she might call and you might have to hear how upset she is. Its not that you don't respect her or have the decency to do it in person; there's just no way you can do it face to face because she'll be too devastated and cause a scene and go all psycho bitch in public. I mean, you can't have all those people in Coffee Bean thinking you're an asshole or a bad guy or something. You're not, really, you just know what you want and don't like having to "change" for anyone. Because ultimately thats what ALL women want, right? They just want to try to change you and spend all your money and they like, expect shit from you. She'll probably eventually trick you into getting her pregnant or something too so really you should just end it now. Don't forget to tell her it's not her, its you. Chicks love that cause it pretty much validates the entire relationship. Oh, and make sure you say you want to stay friends so she feels better about the whole thing. Closure, man. Also make sure you wait at least 2-3 weeks until you start texting her after 11:00PM for a booty call. I mean, you did tell her you want to be friends still so she'll probably be okay with that. Never change.

Love,
Jess

HBIC: Wendy Williams

"How you doin'?"

When I grow up, I want to be Wendy Williams. I love a woman who can pull off big (fake) hair and boobs (i.e. Dolly Parton). Wendy's like that cool aunt who takes you out to bars and teaches you how to use said big hair/boobs to pick up men. Thanks Aunt Wendy! 

Quotes of the Day

Guy on campus talking on his cell phone:
"Dude when he started college, Nirvana was still around...because it was a long time ago!"

On Seinfeld:
Jerry- "How is your family history?"
George- "Terrible. I had an aunt die at age 7. Aunt Baby!"

HBIC: Michelle Tanner

 

"You got a bad attitude."

Do I even have to explain why this ferocious five-year-old is such an HBIC? She's sassy as hell and never let anyone get away with being rude. She always knew exactly how to manipulate everyone in the Tanner family to get what she wanted, which was usually a cookie or some ice cream. Girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. What moxie. GET IT, DIVA.

How'd you like to turn five again?

I always love it when the American Express ad campaigns include those "creative types".
Martin Scorcesse, while always an inspired director behind the scenes, sometimes makes some questionable acting choices (see 2004's Shark Tale). Here his bushy eyebrows and adorably rapid speech are just perfect.

Another thought: just imagine Scorcesse taking pictures at your birthday party.



Clearly the budget for the American Express ads seemed to go up as other influential artists began to follow in the tiny footprints of Scorcesse. This one clearly being the gem of the second batch. Longer and more blatant, quirky director Wes teaches us about what he terms "making movies". The result is lovable and aesthetically pleasing.

Wes Anderson eating french fries? Jason Schwartzman in a white suit? What isn't to love?

The only thing it's missing is a slow motion montage to a B side of a 60's super band.

o hay

TESTTTT