Are You Serious?

This hideous thing is called the "Subaru Baja". I see them everywhere now and I just can't understand why anyone in their right mind would purchase this car. Look at it! It looks like one of those tacky athletic sandals that guys wear in the dorm showers. You want to be sporty, but no...just no. Also don't get me started on this horrific yellow that car companies for some reason think looks good. It's not right.


In other news there are a lot of new posts in the works! Sorry for the delays!

DEALBREAKERS

Shit you guys, this was supposed to be my way of keeping up with blogging, and I blew it. My bad. Anyway, this week in dealbreakers:

You Treat Me Like Shit And Make Me Think I'm Crazy When I Call You Out On It

I think this one goes hand in hand with the whole Nice Guy thing, which is quite possibly the worst adage of all time. You are not a nice guy; most human beings are assholes. I don't go around calling myself a ~nice girl, even though I'm not particularly horrible to men, because I know I can be an asshole, and I know that I have done some not-so-nice things. Seriously how did the whole Nice Guy thing start? Guys who actually say that about themselves are bigger assholes than the actual assholes for acting like they're so god damn pious. Shut. Up.


ANYWAY, a lot of guys (and girls) do this, and sometimes its so subtle you won't even notice it until much later. I've never dated a guy who straight up treated me like shit, because I think I have enough self respect to not stand for that. I have, however, found myself in situations where I'm left wondering why I'm so miserable after spending time with someone I should be happy with. So then when you finally decide to call him out on something like not wanting to meet your friends ONE TIME for like, 5 minutes he's like, "wait what? You know I have to be somewhere." Then you're like "uh why are you even here then" and he's like, "because you said you wanted to hang out so I came to see YOU. I have to go deliver some drugs now, are you coming or not?" And then you start to feel bad because he did go a whole 3 miles out of his way to come get you. So then you convince yourself that its totally normal to leave 10 of your friends in your apartment because he really needs to get to Santa Monica in the next 20 minutes. You even find yourself defending him to your friends when they give you quizzical and disappointed looks, and forget you ever tried to confront him about anything. I am forever Kelly Kapoor.

Friends don't let friends date Dennis Duffys.

Friendly Ghosts

 

Not gonna lie, kind of forgot I had a blog. No matter, I'm back with something new to complain about; it's called "Ghosting". And no, I am not referring to the strange sex act that goes by the same name according to Urban Dictionary. I'm referring to the tendency exes have to haunt you like a god damn ghost. You know, when you've finally reached a point in your life where you've learned to live without them, and you either fill with rage or smile fondly at the thought of them, and then they call/facebook/text you out of nowhere? Like when you check your phone for the time and see you have a text, expecting it to be from a friend and then your heart skips a beat when you see it's actually your ex (who you thought had a new girlfriend) asking you to go for a drink? Why is this so common amongst men? Or rather, why is it OKAY when the guy does it, but when the girl does it she is desperate, pathetic, psychotic, creepy, etc? 

Handling these things are an art. It takes much wit, manipulation, and preferably booze.

Here are some tips for handling your friendly ghost, assuming you're already drunk:

1. If you even decide to respond, your first text should be as aloof as possible.

 2. Make sure you mention you're busy doing something really cool. Since he's in a semi-vulnerable situation, he'll do most of the talking in an attempt to egg you on.

3. Say something bitchy early on. Make it clear you're still feeling hostile towards him. Dudes love angry women.

4. Drink more.

5. Say something you instantly regret sending. Explain that you are drunk. This only makes you look cooler anyway.

6. Now you're on a roll, tell him you miss him. Follow up immediately with: "AS A FRIEND THO"

7. He might start to get sentimental at this point. If you're drunk enough, go with it. 

8. If you can get to this point and he is still texting you more than you're texting him, just stop texting him, wait 'til the next day, and text him something related to something you are doing that makes you seem cool. Also, try to start a fight about something so he remembers you're feisty.

9. ABS: Always Be Sassy

 10. If you do agree to get a drink with him DO NOT let him come back to your place after. 

11. Realize that you're still attracted to him, revert back to state of mind you were in several months ago.

 13. Find new love interest ASAP or kill self.

HAPPY HAUNTINGS, FRIENDS. 

Dumped, Indeed

Since an appropriate amount of time has passed since Bailey's beautiful post about her grandfather, I think it is time for me to make my comeback. My comeback, that is, as the angry man hater of the two of us. I don't really hate men--in fact, I love them, which is kind of the problem. I like some men so much that I am completely unaware of the fact that they are actually really shitty. I love having to chase after guys that are completely unavailable and total assholes. I know I'm not alone in this, either; I think this is the biggest problem some girls have. We like the chase, and we really like a challenge, because if we finally conquer it we feel really accomplished. Most of us will never do this, but that is what keeps us coming back for more, because if it was something that easy to accomplish, then what's the point? The worst part for me is that I am completely aware of it. I stuck around in a relationship that was so clearly dysfunctional from pretty early on. I loved it though because he was stubborn, aloof, and elusive, which made all the times he made a lot of effort on me that much more special. One time he came all the way to my apartment (2.5 miles away) to pick me up and egg a car that had parked me in. It was the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me (apparently I have the same standards for romance as a 12 year old girl) So here is what I've decided: starting in 2011 I am no longer settling. I'm 21 years old and there is absolutely no reason for me to be settling yet. Even Liz Lemon refused to settle for the british Wesley Snipes, and look where that led her: Matt Damon, doorman to the sky.

Say no to man babies and mediocrity, ladies.

That's What She Said

While 7 seasons of the hit NBC show (thanks to the genius of Ricky Gervais and the general sense of dry wit from England) The Office has given us so much joy through their characters, there is something that is eerily familiar within each episode that features Dunder Mifflin: Michael Scott.
As an individual who has held a number of summer and part time jobs for the last 8 years, I feel like I have come to experience a myriad of different types of bosses. I have found that I work best with a friendly boss who knows exactly what they want from me. I am a person that responds well to direction and I am always happy to do something better for the good of my company. While the relationship of Boss/Employee seems to be a fairly straight-forward concept, I continue to find that too many superiors believe that they can live the double life of the punisher and the pal.

Why do so many bosses fall into the category of being a "Michael Scott"?

Watching The Office at home on your couch in the comfort of your free time allows you to cringe and release the steam of the true to life personalities that you physically have to endure every single day. True, we all wish our work lives were as exciting and goofy as this paper company in Scranton, PA (I've been to Scranton...It's never as sunny as Studio City makes it seem), but what can we do when we come into contact with the most frustrating and confusing beast of all? Having a boss who tries to be your friend, but then turns around and pretends you are an idiot has no benefit for anyone. I understand if your boss has a delusion that people actually come to work to HANG OUT with them, but this is just a common problem for most bosses; there should be a pill for this.

And what do YOU do if you seem to have fallen into this attractive trap of a "fun" boss?
I guess you just suck it up and make sure that you do not think they are your friends. Not having a sturdy footing for the mood of the day, every day, when you come into work is very nerve wracking, but it's better than the alternative of no job? This universal concept of the "Michael Scott" boss is partly what makes The Office so great, we've all been there and we will all just continue to be there until retirement.

"I Hope We Can Still Be Friends"

Translation: "Hey Jess, I'm dumping you because I've decided I don't feel the same way about you anymore and I don't feel like working it out because I'm stubborn. Mostly I just like being able to say that I'm stubborn, though. I'm also too selfish to realize how much that statement probably just made you feel like I ripped your heart out, BUT HEY, consolation prize: I think you're worthy of being my friend still. But I'm really just saying that because I don't know what else to say and I feel like that is something girls like to hear? In fact the likelihood of me contacting you to actually be friends is essentially nonexistent...but again, I'm not really sure what to say at this point in the conversation so I'm going to say the stupidest fucking thing that comes into my head because I've already used my 'I think you're a great girl' line. Now I'm going to sigh a lot so I sound sincere and try to get you to see that I'm just being honest. Girls love honest guys, right? At least I'm being honest."

<3 dudez